Lanzarote 2015 - Day 7 - The Mysterious Case of the Missing Bra

Set the scene: we woke up to yet another sunny morning, glorious. Mrs CT decided it was her turn to get up and 'Bagsie' sun beds. I could hear her ferreting around and mumbling to herself. This went on for a good 15 minutes, meanwhile all the good sun beds were being reserved. "What's the matter", I asked. "I can't find my bra", replied Mrs CT.

The Investigation: a bra hunt then ensued for a half an hour at which point I called time and told her to wear a different one. Mrs CT grudgingly agreed. We went to reserve beds and then to breakfast, but Mrs CT was not happy. Unsettled, I would describe her mood. As soon as she could she finished her breakfast and went back to the room. She reappeared 30 minutes later, without the bra.

So I sat her down and tried to methodically take her through the sequence of events of when she last saw the missing bra. "It was on me", was her reply! Exasperated I continued, and managed to work out where she had got undressed but all trails went cold when it got to the point about where she put the bra. "The bra would not be missing if I knew that!", Mrs CT replied.

Conclusion: that evening whilst getting ready to go to dinner, Mrs CT went to the safe to retrieve her jewellery and purse. And guess what........there was the bra. Yes, locked up safely the night before, in the bloody safe. Why? Who knows! Even Mrs CT cannot understand why she had done this. "Old-zheimers" she announced.

Very apt

Laters!

PS This Blog was actually written by Mrs CT herself as, quite literally, I couldn't be bothered today!

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Lanzarote 2015 - Day 6 - Penes & Making Bacon

Today's blog has absolutely nothing to do with food, pasta dish or breakfast. Those of you who Googled the word from yesterday know what is coming (no pun intended).
So far I have mentioned on quite a few occasions about the general area we have found ourselves in, from the numerous British Bars and restaurants to the abundance of Curry Houses and Chinese takeaways. What I haven't mentioned so far is the other high street attraction that goes hand in hand with the rest of these, the so called tourist gift shops. Admittedly there are some very nice shops here - see previous blog re the most expensive Aftersun in the world but the majority are full of absolute crap. The first thing I noticed that they all had in common was just inside the door, on a shelf at eye level, would be several gold cats waving a paw, the sort you associate with Chinese Restaurants etc. This has now been explained as ALL of these outlets are owned and run by Chinese people.
Prada bags for €20, Boss belts for €10 and "genuine" Tommy Hilfiger for the same, you just knew that a bargain was to be had.......until you rounded the corner to the pottery section and in particular salt and pepper pots

Making penes (plural of penis for those of you that did not Google) in to condiment holders is one thing, painting the face and ears of a cat on top is bizarre if not down right weird. Just who buys this junk? Please note the large brown spots on the testes - I would be off to the clinic to check for STI if I had anything like that! Surely the one on the right is not an ashtray or worse a nice little dish for olives - oh dear I am feeling somewhat nauseous.

Apparently these are for tea or wine. The enclosed liquid to be drunk through the handy but anatomically correct hole in the end. Once again I can just imagine the difficult questions that some parents get faced with of an evening family shopping walk.
The Making Bacon refers to Mrs CT and I's evening activity over our night cap. Nothing rude I assure you. No, it is the 15th International PTP competition. PTP? Pass the Pigs, a game invented in the mid eighties and purchased by yours truly in 1990. The set I have, I consider to be vintage and far superior to the modern sets that can be still purchased in such places as John Lewis and House of Frazer. Points are scored by throwing two pigs which can land in various positions such as Razorback, Snouter or the truly prized Double Leaning Jowler. If you manage to get the pigs to land in the following format you are immediately thrown out of the day's game.

Sometimes I just want to watch the world go by as evidenced by Mrs CT's candid snap of me in the bar last night. Ooh did I get a telling off! Unsure why. All I was trying to do was work out the accents (Manc or Scouse) of three new arrivals at the hotel who had just finished their degrees (or possibly A levels). Needless to say they had a lot of leg on show and definitely did not go by the name of Frank or Bert! (No they are not in the picture before anyone says that I should go to Specsavers).

Laters!

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Lanzarote 2015 - Day 5 - The Hotel Cast & Cold Rooms

Up early and we decidied to "bagsy" one of the 15 Balanise beds. A double bed with canopy over. Looks comfortable but in reality very difficult to get comfy and the wind was playing havoc with the canopy. At least we tried it but never again. We will leave them to the lovey dovey youngsters from now on.

The positioning however did put us dead opposite the daytime pool activities. This gives me an ideal opportunity to introduce you to some of the cast in this years holiday. Study the next picture and I will explain.

First up is the chap on the left, Lanzarote Larry, a failed Ibiza DJ but now plying his trade here. Looks like an arctic explorer who seeks out hotter climes during the summer but forgets to shave his beard off. To be fair he does play some good mixes. I fail to see how he earns money by "pressing play" a couple of times between 11:00 and 16:00 every day. He must be the real thing because he has lots of stickers on his laptop. The over 65s around the pool do not get the beat and definitely have aversion to the volume.

Next up, on the far right, is Lizzie the Lezzie, aerobics instructor and all round animation leader. Named after the C4 morning fitness instructor of the 90s. Every day at 12 she corals a group of 15 or so women of all ages and nationalities into performing water aerobics. This culminates in them massaging each other in the water. Needless to say the British only do this for one day as that amount of intimacy with strangers is just not on. Meanwhile Lezzie Lizzie just looks on from the side of the pool, drooling and wishing she was in there getting down and naughty. (PS Just because she is covered in tattoos and has thighs that could crack walnuts does not mean that she is from the island of Lesbos. It is the writers prerogative to presume that she is).

Lastly, in the middle and I am sure she wishes she was sometimes, we have Suzy Socorrista (lifeguard) who, as you can see, is in lust with Larry but also Lizzie as well. She gets to demonstrate the massages at the poolside with Lizzie acting as masseuse. Naturally she was the one picked for her particular job because of her in-built extra buoyancy.

There are many others, including Coughing Carol and Porno Pam but I need pictorial substance before I can introduce them into the story.

A close up of Lizzie who, on occasions, gives a flash of what is underneath the very short blue skirt. I just hope it is a pair of black sports knickers rather than an eyeful of dark Iberian thicket.

Okay, an update on air-congate. Eventually a very switched on young man with impeccable English arrived to say that they have discovered what the problem is by taking the unit apart in our old room. The contractors had plumbed in an electronic valve the wrong way round (where have we heard that before, bathroom chums!). He believes this to be the same in all the rooms on floor 3. Oh dear someone is going to pay. The short term solution is to fix the valve into an open position, as long as maintanence man's arm is long enough. It was, good. Room is now either freezing or hot but much better.

WARNING - Look out for tomorrow's blog which contains penes. This is not a predictive text error but a real word. Google it now to avoid blushes!

Laters!

 

 

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Lanzarote 2015 - Day 4 - Sweaty Nights and Loud Bangs

After a sweaty night which had nothing to do with bedroom gymnastics, time had come to be a little more forceful with reception re the broken air-con. Full marks to them as they played a calming card in the form of Candy, a porn name admittedly but very friendly and spoke good English. Apparently the air-con in 3035 could not be fixed and therefore they were locating an alternative room of the same layout - should take about an hour. OK. Let's hope it is not too far from our existing room as, already explained, we had 57kg of packing to transfer! Our room is top floor just to the left of the big palm in the middle of the pic.

True to form, Candy had come up trumps. Our new room, 3034, was right next door. Middle of the pic behind large palm. Let operation "switch room" begin. Did we pack away all our clothes? No. We found that the bedside tables and drawers were on wheels, we merely swapped them. It must have looked like we were robbing the room especially when I came out grasping the contents of our safe in my hands!

After all this activity, I decided it was time to go out on manoeuvres, my name for getting out of the hotel for a walk, exploring the local area and maybe sneaking in a couple of cold ones at the odd bar. My original plan was to locate a hotel and restaurant that friends had been to before and recommended. I did walk virtually the entire length of the resort and found that, as per my first impressions, it was full of pubs, restaurants and tacky souvenir shops aimed squarely at the Brit abroad. Some strange sand/rock art.

Our friends hotel located. Or at least I thought I had until later in the day they confessed to me that this wasn't the one, as a villa there costs £10k a week. Their actual hotel was further around the bay. Too hot to explore any further.

Time to head back. Lots of little establishments along the way and it was very hot. A cold pint of Fosters was acquired at a very reasonable £1.70. Stanwick please take note. Menu was good value. The only time I have ever eaten a Pukka pie is when abroad, never at home bizzarely.

Still could not find our friends suggested Italian that serves tagliatelle with mushrooms and strips of steak. So back to the hotel. Naturally this was also hot work. Opposite is the Bulldog Bar, a den of eniquity, football shirts, karaoke and cold Fosters. The bar manned by Alan, straight out of Benidorm (the TV programme) with his broad Geordie accent, hacking cough and convivial welcome. Picture below sums it up.

Laters!

BREAKING NEWS - it is now 3am in the morning and the air-con in our new room has exploded, or at least the noises sounded like it. Needless to say nothing but warm air. Oh well at least I get to see the lovely Candy again in the morning.

Definitely laters!

 

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Lanzarote 2015 - Day 3 - The World's Most Expensive Aftersun

Breakfast as normal then onwards to sunbeds. In between was a visit back to the room to collect trunks, bikinis, books, sun lotion etc etc. The room was unusually warm, the maid had been in but the air-con was still running. On closer inspection, which involved sticking my hand into the air outlet, nothing but warm air could be found. At this point I must explain that on our arrival on Thursday I had to go back to reception with a snagging list from what was a brand new room - several bulbs not working, TV's (yes we have two) not tuned and an air-conditioning unit making some very strange noises. Much apologies were given, notes taken on the computer screen and a message sent to maintanence. Nothing happened on Friday, so I had to go back and reiterate my complaints. The excellent upside to this was the application of "all inclusive" to our room number in the hope that we would not kick up too much more fuss - RESULT! Downside - no action re air-con noises. More of this ongoing story tomorrow.

A wander into the Pub/Curry House/Chinese hell centre in search of lunch brought us into a new restaurant for the season, Mercado Diecisiete, serving traditional fish dishes - right up our street with prices sufficient to keep the burger eating, €1.50 pint drinking brigade firmly away, albeit two restaurants down the road but far enough away not to be heard! Dishes of Octopus on sweet potato and Mussels Marinara duly ordered and eaten.

So back to the sunbeds suitably refreshed and in Mrs CT's case full of a very nice Spainish Pink - that's a wine by the way and nothing rude. Sleep soon became us. Stupid really because the sun was just as strong as yesterday and the wind deceptive as always. On returning to the room Mrs CT declared that she had got burnt somewhere sensitive - oh God please don't make me look at it. As it turn out it was her eyelids phew! Not wearing sunglasses in the fear of getting panda eyes, she had fallen asleep on her back in the full sun. "We will have to go out an buy some special eyelid cream" she said. Does such stuff exist? I asked myself. Apparently it does. There is a very nice cosmetics shop just up the road selling perfumes, colognes and creams. The assistant produced the smallest tub of "special eyelid cream" from Decleor or somewhere. And when I say small the diameter of a 50p piece and a cm deep. My pocket, at that point, became £20 lighter. 20 ffffing quid. They must have seen us coming!

Back to our now super heated room, windows thrown open along with the curtains in an attempt to get some sleep. Not happy :( At least lunch was good although you couldn't tell from the face I am pulling in the pic below).

Laters!

 

 

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Lanzarote 2015 - Day 2 - Windy & Hot

Title nothing to do with the various food and drinks consumed yesterday from Gatwick via BA and onto the very varied menu at the hotel. So here we go, first full day and a quick look at our view and one of our balconies. Ooh get me but yes we have two! It was a little dark yesterday by the time we had unpacked and had dinner so this is the first chance of any pics.

Because we had been given a very generous baggage allowance by BA, Mrs CT insisted on packing both of our gym kits because "we are going to start on a fitness regime this holiday". Oh yeah, well that will never happen. Oh $hit yes it will. Being dragged out of bed early on our first day came as a shock! My bad knee conveniently gave way after 10 minutes so all I could is sit and watch, agonisingly dreaming of breakfast.

Then to breakfast, at last, which again was very good. Eggs, omelettes and bacon all cooked to order. On the walk back to our room we discovered a whole world of frenetic building activity. Room doors wide open, plasterers, plumbers, decorators all hard at work on the two floors below us. It was clear that they had deadlines to hit today or tomorrow. This explained the "your room is not ready" being informed to new residents. Literally your room has not yet been built! Talk about last minute dot com.

Sun beds comfy and plentiful. The onshore breeze in the Canaries has upsides and downsides. Upside, keeps you cool and refreshed in the blazing sun. Downside, lets you get burnt without realising in the blazing sun. Ouch is all I can say after the first day around the pool.

On first inspection of the local area it would appear that we are right in the middle of a small area that I can only describe as Lanzarote's answer to Benidorm. The Red Lion, Mulligans Bar and all the other derivatives happily advertised full English breakfasts for €3.00, the cheapest beer in town and evening entertainment straight out of Butlins and worse. In addition I have never seen so many Chinese and Indian restaurants in one place. Do the Spanish really think that is what the British diet consists of? Anyway we settled on a traditional Bodega for a light lunch. Well it would have been light if Mrs CT's enthusiasm for several different Tapas plates had been curtailed. Wonderful meal of garlic prawns, chirozo, mountain ham and padron peppers. This last dish being the inspiration for Walkers new Roulette Nachos ie every 10th is eye wateringly hot and you cannot tell which one it will be.

All I wanted was a picture of me slicing the mountain ham but the owner insisted I dressed up like an idiot!

After lunch and several beers, Mrs CT decided that the rest of the late afternoon would be spent back in our room watching a Scotsman and a Swiss banging the hell out of some small yellow balls in South London. Not me! Time had come to test out our roof top bubbly bath provided by Duravit (Blue Moon) with Dornbracht brassware. These last bits of info are for my bathroom industry chums. 20 minutes to fill and the water was a very peculiar colour due to all the brick dust in the air that had settled in said bath and the fact that I was its first user. So here I am surrounded by bubbles, listening to the Ashes on internet radio and soaking up more rays. Yes those are my red trunks on the side, the flesh on show is my knee. Bubbles keeping everything else from view. Don't worry I haven't seen it in years either!

Laters!

 

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Lanzarote 2015 - Day 1 - Spoilt brats and surly Scandanavians

So here we are again, our annual pilgrimage to the sun. Although from the title, my regular readers may think that we have made a mistake and booked a hotel full of children and marauding Scandinavians again, these two items combined together to make an "interesting flight" to our destination of Lanzarote.

First step was to get to Gatwick by 11am for our 1 o'clock flight. This meant leaving around 08:30 from Stanwick. However, due to one of the last remaining bastions of the Trade Union movement - train and Tube drivers, any navigation around London was going to be testing. With more luck than judgement a route down the M11 and around the M25 proved to be an excellent choice. Word of advice to Boris (Mayor of London), just sack the moaning ba$ta&ds. They get paid £50k a year as it is. Don't let them ruin the most important and productive city we have. Anyway rant over. At least it gave me a chance to have the first long drive in Katy (KT15), my new mode of transportation.

Gatwick was at its heaving, touristy best. More like a shopping centre than an airport. One of the benefits of this holiday I was looking forward to was the sanctuary of the BA Club Lounge. An oasis of calmness full of breakfast munchies, champagne and beer. Great start. There was, even at this stage, a hint of what was about to follow - more than a few Jocastas and Ruperts running wild whilst their "more money than sense" parents failed to control them. They should have locked them in the child zone. Alas this was being used as a quiet zone by travellers tying to find peace whilst taking calls. An interesting case of role reversal!

and here we go - first jobsworth of the holiday. Just because you work for an airline with "British" in the title, it does not give you the right to treat customers like cattle. Your information screens clearly state Now Boarding. You claiming that nothing happens unless you say so is clearly way above your remit - if you were Chairman perhaps - at the moment you are just a gate attendant, please remember that.

So onwards onto our Airbus 320. First 8 rows designated as Club Europe. Blocks of 3 seats with the middle seat converted to a table. Not huge amounts of extra room but enough difference from the 25 rows behind us to be worth the extra cost. Proper dinner with real cutlery, glasses and wine and everything, was also welcoming. Two cabin crew for our section of 16 passengers and two cabin crew for the other 150 passengers seemed fair to me!

This would have been more than satisfactory if it hadn't been for two factors out of our control.

1) Now I am not usually one to get personal about other peoples faults but the cabin manager, Truri, was one of the most sour faced, miserable old bags I have ever come across in a customer service role. Everything was a chore, she did not smile once and was downright rude on more than one occasion not just to me and Mrs CT but to others as well. Her comment "if you don't like they way we do things on this flight, complain to my bosses". Oh dear Truri you have just said that to the wrong people! Email to BA Chairmanship Office already sent. I have some very nice friends from Scandinavia but she showed all the bad qualities that can come from that area. What the hell was she doing in charge of Club Class?

2) Jocasta and her brother Rupert turned up doubled teamed in the two rows in front of us. Rupert(1) opening comment - "Daddy I much prefer Virgin Atlantic to this, I feel positively cramped". You are 5 FFS! His sister Jocasta(1) then piped up "Daddy I cannot find my personal entertainment screen. Where do they hide them on BA"? Spoilt, pretentious and any other word I could use for kids unused to the real world. Rupert (2) and Jocasta (2) sitting in row 1 were the most badly behaved ,uncontrolled little brats I have come across in a while. Moaning, shouting and fighting for most of the flight. Fairly obvious that Mummy & Daddy did not spend much time with them when at home - leaving them to some poor suffering Nanny or Au Pair no doubt.

Enough complaining. Bags collected and onwards to Barcelo Teguise Beach (Adults Only). You can probably guess one of the reasons we chose this hotel. A brand concept for the property which used to be a family aparthotel but now gutted and turned into a contemporary place of relaxation - but only just - more of this tomorrow when I explain that the term "your room is not ready yet" had nothing to do with it being cleaned after the previous residents but was more literal. This did not apply to us thank goodness. Our top floor suite with outdoor jacuzzi bath was awaiting. Very nice! Pictures tomorrow.

The general decoration was eclectic, from the sofas to the works of art.

A special beer was needed - over 10 different premium Spanish ales to choose from. This one at 6.2% was very tasty.

Lastly, the 2 prancing wooden horses In reception have been carved with little missing. I am therefore now going to use this picture on every occasion I have to say "bollo*ks. Zoom in if you dare!

Laters!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Duke of Wellington Stanwick

After years of neglect and mis-management our one and only local pub in Stanwick, Northants, has reopened after a lengthy and expensive refit.

The place is totally transformed and now in very good hands! See you there for a pint at some stage.

Go here to find much more information http://www.dukeofwellingtonstanwick.co.uk/ You can also see the food menu and book a table.