Sorrento 2014 - Day 5 - Olive Oil, Harry & The Twins

As we wind our way to the end of the hols, I thought it time I caught a bit of the local culture. "A Trip with Claire to the Local Olive Farm" was advertised at reception and only costing a reasonable €2.50. Okay this would keep me occupied for a couple of hours. Mrs CT chose to stay and worship the sun God a little more, so I left her to it. 40 people, two minibuses and down the mountain we went.

A view from the road looking down on Sorrento. Around the next bend we stopped suddenly as Claire leapt from the lead coach to rescue a poor little kitten that had wandered into the road. Aaaaah. What a kind hearted soul. After Oxford university she has chosen to have a gap year by working here as entertainment organiser for the summer before going on to Oz/ Thailand etc. Being the youngest in the hotel by a good 25 years she must be bored! Anyway, onwards to the olives.

Set in the mountains the Olive groves gave welcoming shade. The particular trees around here grow very tall allowing oranges and lemons to be grown underneath them. It all looked and smelled lush. Our hostess, daughter of the farmer, explained the growing, harvesting and pressing process in fascinating detail and with quite a deep sexy Italian accent. The tour included a look at the old farmhouse built in the 18th century. Even Sarah Beeney would have a hard time resurrecting this one.

Needless to say, the farm had a shop were you could buy any of the previous year's production. The farm had a DOC for producing one particular olive. A litre of this was purchased is you cannot get it anywhere else. Dippy bread and balsamic awaits our UK friends. Upon returning poolside all hell had let loose!

What the *^$¥ was a giant polystyrene whale doing next to my sunbed? And more alarmingly there appeared to be an orange monkey with a 3ft curly cock hanging above! As it turns out it was Pool Party day. With cocktails being made freshly by Johnny, live music by the resident duo and games organised by Claire later. After the initial shock, I settled back down with Mrs CT and a couple of Strawberry Daqueries.

All you regular readers of this blog will know that I don't often have a rant, but standby here comes one. It has nothing to do with this holiday, resort or hotel. Today I am going to have a go at clothing manufacturers and retailers. An inch is an inch just as a centimetre is a centimetre so can please someone tell me why these measurements are open to widespread abuse and interpretation by the said manufacturers.

For instance. Before lunch I decided to change out of my shorts and into some trunks in readiness for a refreshing dip. The pair I had been wearing up to this point were attracting unwelcome attention from flies and other wildlife if you get my meaning. So at the readiness I had brought a pair with me, previously unworn, that I had purchased last year. Yes the old pair were red from Timberland and the new, blue from Speedo (shorts not budgie smugglers). The important bit is that there are both the same size - extra large. As the Speedos made their way up my thighs I already knew that this was not going to end well. As finally they completed the journey to my waist, the Twins were quite happy nestling either side of the netting gusset. Harry on the other hand was distinctly unhappy, bulging forth in an alarming manner. The look was just downright rude and could have caused discomfort amongst the oldies around the pool. Oh dear. Nothing for it but to rinse the red ones and go "damp" to lunch.

Sort it out please! (No pictures of this episode for censorship reasons).

Sorry guys, I know you have all been waiting for a picture of Claire since the first paragraph. Here she is. I will try and get a better picture later on, Mrs CT permitting.

Sorrento 2014 - Day 4 - Pool Time and Mahogany Madge

Weather beautiful. 26c of glorious sunshine. Only one thing we could do today and that was nothing. Nothing that is whilst lying around the pool and eating lunch. The pool area is set away from the hotel in the middle of a lush green wooded area which also contains various days beds and 3, yes 3, hot tubs. Stanwick crew take note.

Full waiter service to your sun lounger included. I usually wait until 11:00 before ordering the first beer of the day. Today I had my own personal server who had taken it upon herself to pick up a couple of cold ones on the way back from the loo!

The lunch/ bar area is at one end. All the lunches for the hotel are served here. Wood burning oven and large grill provide the freshest of pizzas and grilled fish/meats. Salads are plentiful. You can order wine or Prossecco by the bottle (all inclusive remember) and delivered to your table with ice bucket. Both Mrs CT and I agree that is the best meal of the day.

Today's over indulgence at the aforementioned lunch resulted in us seeking shelter from the sun and somewhere comfortable for an afternoon snooze. One heart shaped day bed was just the ticket. After a couple of hours I awoke to find Mrs CT reading and complaining that her sleep had been interrupted by Vesuvius type snoring which had scared off all the wildlife. Oops!

Talking of wildlife here are couple of little reptiles that have shared our spot poolside.

So no complaints then. Well.......when there are this many people in a small area there is always going to be someone or something that grates. The average age of resident in this adults only hotel at this time of year is considerably more than my svelte youthfulness of 51. Apart from them all sitting around moaning about the youth of today, benefits scroungers and various residents of the UK who were not born there, naturally there was going to be one who stood out. Let me introduce you to Mahogany Madge.

Mahogany from the perma colour and Madge from her namesake in the ITV series Benidorm. Holding court each day down in "her" corner of the pool. "Ooh we get up early to get our own beds". Although she has no mobility scooter she does have 2 walking sticks that she lets everyone know she cannot do without......rubbish. Faster than a 10 year old sometimes and can stand for 2 hours at a time. Pity the person who gets in her way however...you would think murder against disabled people was being committed. At night time her preferred tipple is half pints of Baileys and Brandy, no wonder she is a little unsteady!

Mrs CT made me put that last picture in. Yes it's a cat. Laters

Sorrento 2014 - Day 3

Day 3? What happened to days 1 & 2? To be honest this is such a chilled place I couldn't be bothered. It was a FB post from Mrs B that reminded me of such things.

So here goes with a précis of the past few days.

• Had argument with security at Birmingham due to rudeness and jobsworth. Had to call supervisor in the end.


• Spent enjoyable hour or so in No.1 Travellers Lounge at aforementioned airport. Very nice way to start the holidays away from the great unwashed. See picture of rosemary in entrance lobby.


• Flew for 2.5 hours on a plane that was first launched by Boeing in 1983. No individual air vents and certainly no AV. Thomsons please note that your comment in your magazine that you have one of the most modern fleets in the UK is bordering on lies. Yes your Dreamliners and 737-800 are quite up to date but whilst you are still flying the 757s and 767s your claim is scandalous.


• Got to Naples - now here is what they don't tell you in the brochures. From the terminal to the coach park is a good 10-15 minute walk, for a fit person with luggage. Some of the old dears flying at this time of year positively struggled including the old fart with an arthritic knee!


• After a 1 hour ride of death through the very narrow streets and mountainous terrain of the Sorrento peninsular, we arrived at GRAND HOTEL NASTRO AZZURRO. So good they named it after a beer. (Not sure about that last bit).

Weather a little hit and miss for the first couple of days, so we headed down the mountain into Sorrento itself. What a marvellous historical yet sophisticated place. Wonderful little back streets and intriguing squares, you could explore for ages. Restaurants all looked good as did all the leather and wood for sale. (Leather belts etc not whips or trousers etc).

The one obvious downside to all this - people! Thousands and thousands of em. Mostly emanating from the following picture and either speaking very loudly in a yank accent or having enough camera gear hanging around their necks to ensure no return to Japan.

At one stage there were 3 of these floating gin palaces moored up. I calculate that to be around 6,000 extra tourists clogging up the streets. What's is even more embarrassing, for them, is the stickers they have to wear proclaiming what number group they belong to. As one man once said "I am not a number, I am a free man". You wouldn't have thought so looking at these poor souls. Hope I haven't put anyone I know, off cruising around the Med anytime soon.

One of the things that they are famous around here is lemons and bloody great giant ones! Crushed, added sugar and fermented they are turned into the local hooch - Limoncello. Mix it with lemonade, soda or tonic it makes for a very refreshing drink. Guests to our house over this summer will be treated to some of this. Probably tastes great in Italy but like dishwater by the time you get it home to the UK.

Food, food, food. On of my favourite subjects whilst on hols. Sorrento and our hotel are most excellent at it. Lunch the other day down town was at a small eatery named after a shopping centre but boy the squids and mussels were good.

Anyway, dinner is calling and Mrs CT should be joining me soon after her nightly preparations. Picture of the bar, which is all inclusive. The drinks list contains over 50 cocktails, all of them free! Laters.